Hard Things

Guru Graveyard
Guru Graveyard

Hello.

Today I have been working on a very important project. I had to write two small papers and prepare some other things. Writing three pages and editing some things should have been a breeze, but it was so hard. I agonized over what to say, what not to say, had I said too much or too little, was it all as crap as I thought it was or was I just inventing that? I scrapped the whole thing at one point until someone dear to me convinced me not to.

Now that I’m finished with all the things and they are sent off to the gods of massive decision making, this intensity has got me thinking (in between frantically checking my email for replies that is). I could sit here and type into this blog all day with less effort than that one page paper took. And this blog would have so much more content and essence of me in it that it’s almost laughable. Almost.

It seems to me that these hard things always stand between someone and what they want most. It’s almost as if life is like “Oh, you want this? Okay. But to get it you must DO THE HARDEST THING EVER.” And that hardest thing changes for each dream/person pairing. Why do you do this to us life? Why can’t we bribe you?!

Oh, yes…having no money. That is a good reason why I can’t bribe you.

I guess I just wanted to give a shout out to all my fellow dreamers out there. Keep doing the hard things! I know they’re hard and they suck and they smash your confidence into tiny little bits, but they’re worth it. Even if in the end you don’t get it on that go, it will change you. Make that change for the better and it will all have been worth it.

Well that came off a more peppy than I meant it. Must be all that guru.

Also, due to spell checker funkiness I thought I had invented the word graveyard for a minute there. Spooky.

Until we meet again dear reader, au revoir.

Tis the Season

Sully Christmas 2014
Sully Christmas 2014

Hello.

Me again.

Still here and still writing. I’m going through a hard time right now, so my thoughts move between emotions like waves in the sea. All this being a grown up stuff is overated. When I was a kid, I thought adults could do whatever they wanted all day. (Lies, all lies.) Really you spend most of your time trying to make a living while you try to make a life in your free time. Of course, this becomes complicated when you lose your present means of making a living. Still trying to keep up the hope though. I have seen good and bad times cycle throughout my life and I know the bad don’t last forever–even though they seem like they do while you’re there.

Then of course you try telling yourself this at 3am when you’re already down and you think you’re lying. You have long involved arguments with yourself while your mind bounces between topics like a hyperactive rabbit on speed.

Good times.

I do realize this could be unique to me, but I don’t think so. The more I learn, the more people I meet, the more I realize how alike we all really are. We all hurt, fear, try, fight and feel so many things. I often try to imagine the lives of strangers I pass on the street. Who they love, what they hate, what they need. Then I pass some amazing inspiring person who has every reason to feel bad but chooses to get up and fight. I used to pass this blind guy on campus every single day. Rain, snow, sunny weather, there he was fighting his way through life.

So, I refuse to back down or give in to this dark deep hole I’m in right now. There were others before me, there will be others after me. I’m still here. I’m still writing. This will not change as long as I can type (or scribble incoherently into a notebook if no computer is around).

I’m decorating for the holidays too! Maybe I’ll even post some pictures… We’ll see. Stay warm everyone.

I Survived Trauma and I’m Complicated

Hair
Hair

WARNING: This post mentions trauma. If this will trigger you, please don’t read further. I am giving you a digital hug as you go because I really do understand.

Hi.

I am Madison Skye and I have a complex about being sick. This started when I was very young. I had an awful childhood. I won’t get into any details right now except to say it was truly awful. I survived. I know that some people do not survive trauma as children, but somehow I did. Even so, these things have an impact on you even if you don’t realize it, even if you think you’ve put it all behind you. Somehow it has a way of cropping up at the worst times.

One of the ways my youth impacted me is that I have a complex about what happens when I get sick. I don’t mean the fact of being sick, not exactly. I more mean the inability to work when I’m ill. The “work is king” and “work no matter what” types dig into this old wound like a corkscrew. They criticize, they complain, they attack, they doubt that I am ill because I have the gall to use social media as an escape–you get the idea.

A normal person might be able to simply write such things off. I don’t know because I have never been normal. Just lately I have been going through a medical crisis of my own. My genes are in part to blame for this (genetics are a bitch) and my poor diet growing up is another part. I don’t pretend to know what the other parts really are. I think such things are hugely complicated (at least in my life they always seem to be).

Due to my present issues, I have not written or been to my 9-5 job. Last week someone from work asked me if I was “really sick” because of some photos that had been uploaded to my facebook while I was on my way to another facility out of state for some tests. I recently adjusted my social media so that the offending people have no more contact with me in that way.

I’m telling you all of this because I want to refuse to give in to this natural tendency. and maybe someone out there is like me and will read this and it will make them feel not so alone as they did before. Trauma happens, but you have to try and refuse to allow people to treat you like shit over it. I personally have had enough of this. I plan to do something about it. I will update you once I figure out what that is.

I am complicated, I am not sorry for this. i make zero apologies for the way I am. it allowed me to survive the otherwise impossible. I’m glad for those who haven’t had to experience anything traumatic in their lives, but I wish you would take the time to think before you make asses of yourselves to those that have. To those who also survived, you have all my love and all my respect. You are not alone.

I survived trauma and I am done apologizing to those who didn’t.

PS – I have started a hashtag on twitter/facebook #Isurvivedtrauma. Feel free to join me. My twitter username is madsckye and my facebook is here.

I Survived Trauma and I'm Complicated

Hair
Hair

WARNING: This post mentions trauma. If this will trigger you, please don’t read further. I am giving you a digital hug as you go because I really do understand.

Hi.

I am Madison Skye and I have a complex about being sick. This started when I was very young. I had an awful childhood. I won’t get into any details right now except to say it was truly awful. I survived. I know that some people do not survive trauma as children, but somehow I did. Even so, these things have an impact on you even if you don’t realize it, even if you think you’ve put it all behind you. Somehow it has a way of cropping up at the worst times.

One of the ways my youth impacted me is that I have a complex about what happens when I get sick. I don’t mean the fact of being sick, not exactly. I more mean the inability to work when I’m ill. The “work is king” and “work no matter what” types dig into this old wound like a corkscrew. They criticize, they complain, they attack, they doubt that I am ill because I have the gall to use social media as an escape–you get the idea.

A normal person might be able to simply write such things off. I don’t know because I have never been normal. Just lately I have been going through a medical crisis of my own. My genes are in part to blame for this (genetics are a bitch) and my poor diet growing up is another part. I don’t pretend to know what the other parts really are. I think such things are hugely complicated (at least in my life they always seem to be).

Due to my present issues, I have not written or been to my 9-5 job. Last week someone from work asked me if I was “really sick” because of some photos that had been uploaded to my facebook while I was on my way to another facility out of state for some tests. I recently adjusted my social media so that the offending people have no more contact with me in that way.

I’m telling you all of this because I want to refuse to give in to this natural tendency. and maybe someone out there is like me and will read this and it will make them feel not so alone as they did before. Trauma happens, but you have to try and refuse to allow people to treat you like shit over it. I personally have had enough of this. I plan to do something about it. I will update you once I figure out what that is.

I am complicated, I am not sorry for this. i make zero apologies for the way I am. it allowed me to survive the otherwise impossible. I’m glad for those who haven’t had to experience anything traumatic in their lives, but I wish you would take the time to think before you make asses of yourselves to those that have. To those who also survived, you have all my love and all my respect. You are not alone.

I survived trauma and I am done apologizing to those who didn’t.

PS – I have started a hashtag on twitter/facebook #Isurvivedtrauma. Feel free to join me. My twitter username is madsckye and my facebook is here.

After Hours…

After Hours
So bluuuuuuuuuee…

Hello!

Me again.

It is 4:25 am where I am and I am wide awake (and happy about it)!

Normally I would be attempting to sleep right now, since I have  a regular job that I have to hold down. I would probably be tossing and turning or just now falling into bed in frustration because of my insomnia. I have had insomnia my entire life. Even when I was a 4 year old I would wander the house at night like a waif or lie awake staring at the ceiling while others slept. Well, no more! Instead of trying to fight my insomnia, like I have been ever since I was a student with a more free form schedule, I am working with my insomnia.

I realize such a plan may not be for everyone, but for me it works quite well (so far). The gist is that instead of fighting during the hours my body wants to be awake, I moved the hours I sleep. I now get up at 1 am, have my tea, try to write for several hours, have my morning routine, do whatever else, eventually do my 8 am – 5 pm job, come home, have some food etc., am in bed at 7 pm, then wake again at 1 am for my day to begin anew.

So far, I freaking love it! Introverts need what some call their “hermit time”. I know I go a nuts when I don’t have mine. This new way allows me to have gobs of time to write, despite my need to have a job that pays the bills. Also because it’s the first thing I do in my day and not the last thing it is better in many, many ways. Thanks to the internet, social interaction is still possible after hours as well, though it’s a little tricky right now as I’ve been at this for less than a week. I think once people are used to the idea it will be easier.

In other news, I have also been discovering yoga recently. Why have I never done this before? I am super flexible so it only makes sense, right?

If you’ve ever wanted to try yoga but don’t like group exercise (me) or hate having to go somewhere for exercise (also me) or just want to try it out but don’t want to make any commitments in case you hate it (this was me before), then I have a yoga link for you! This will take you to the 30 day yoga challenge. It’s a free 30 day video yoga program. You get one email each day with a video of the stuff for that day. They are around 15-20 minutes long and I like Erin, the instructor. So go do some yoga!

Well, I’m off to work on the book more and hopefully get many, many pages written. Thanks for reading!

Tea and Timing…

Tea + Book = Paradise

Hello! Me again.

I’ve been away from here for a bit, but all still seems in order. I’ve not been writing much this week, but I have been creating art like mad. Funny how the mind prefers to procrastinate isn’t it? Whatever it perceives it has to do it will try to get out of, even if what it runs to is actually more work. (You can see some of what I’ve been working on here an there, if you are interested in such things.)

I am officially halfway done with the novel. As my favorite English professor used to say regarding the middle of a thing, now comes the hard part. I would say the beginning is where you grab the reader, but the middle is where you have to keep them, otherwise they get irritated and skip to the end or fling the book in complete frustration. I really do not want anyone to fling my book, and I don’t think anyone wants to feel like flinging my book either. I find myself contemplating agents and markets and genres–all good things. However, I feel I need to finish the novel before I focus on (read stress about) all of that.

In some of my down time I have been exploring some new media. I was very impressed by the Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Writers especially I think can relate well to such a story as we are the tale weavers and we sometimes get lost in our stories, well I do anyway. I have also been reading some Robert Louis Stephenson, Stephen King and Neil Gaiman works recently. I had never actually read a Stephen King novel before. I’m not sure what I think yet as I have not finished.

I now must return to real life (alas!) until adventure finds me again.